It happens. No consistency, no schedule; sometimes, the crippling fear of failure or doubting my self-worth or simply going town a dark tunnel takes over the whole of my body. At first, I tried to understand what triggered it, but as I went along, I realized that my demons were always inside me, and it was just a matter of me controlling them.
I think the first time it happened was back when I was in the second grade in primary school and every morning I used to cry, because I did not want to go to school. Not because I didn’t like learning, no. The issue was that the classroom atmosphere with a specific teacher was toxic, causing a classmate of mine – who was sitting next to me – to vomit every single day. And I was terrorized. Every single day.
Looking back, I am kind of mad with myself, because I don’t recall talking to either my parents, teacher or anyone else for that matter. But how can you expect that from a scared, shy 7-year-old?
Fast forward in early 2015, a few months after I got my BA degree, and an opportunity arises for a 5-month job placement in Valencia, Spain. I remember being so happy about it at first. I would get to live in Spain, have a good salary, and get a hands-on working experience on something that really interested me. But my life during those five months did not exactly reflect what I was hoping for. The job environment was unwelcoming, I hardly got assigned any tasks at all, and I would get home at 7 p.m. every day except on Fridays. I remember being shut in my room most of the days, binge-watching series, having pizza and drinking a whole bottle of wine to help me get some sleep.
While I spent the first three months like this, I also had two great friends who were living in the city, two rays of sunshine, who created a happy bubble every time I got to meet them. Having genuinely caring and positive people in your life can sometimes prove to be one of the greatest gifts one can ask for.
One day, I snapped out of it, just like that. I reminded myself that this is a temporary situation, and as long as I am patient and make the most of this experience, everything was going to be just fine. I started jogging in the nearby park every day, and I registered for pilates sessions at a studio just across my apartment. Working out did not solve the problem, but it helped me release the physical tension caused by anxiety and become more comfortable in my own body. I was starting to control my demons.
It’s not always as easy, though.
The one thing I always regret is not talking about it to the people close to me, thinking that it was an issue that I could handle on my own. Sometimes other people can be there for you until you manage to find the strength to be there for yourself.
There were times when I was so deep within a dark tunnel that I had to fight hard to find the strength to get back up, when really the person holding me back was me. When the only option was to clear away the self-doubting thoughts and learn some self-love, even when I could not even look at myself in the mirror. When I look back to this horrible period I went through, I realize that I allowed myself to go down a path full of toxic thoughts, which fed on my belief of low self-appreciation and self-worth. Throughout all of this, I maintained the dangerous illusion that I am capable of loving other people without fully loving myself first –
but how can you expect to escape from dark places when you haven’t made peace with yourself yet?
Reconciling with your internal demons is about self-love, and self-love comes from the deepest corners of your soul.
Self-love is about every single thing you do. A quiet, subtle force of confidence that drives all your actions, minor or significant.
Self-love is reading a book, or taking the time to cook something healthy instead of stuffing your body with garbage food.
Self-love is about facing your mistakes full-on, and taking responsibility for them, but also steering away from allowing them to define your essence. You are not your mistakes.
Self-love is being honest with yourself, first and foremost, about your needs and your desires, about what makes you happy and what makes you uncomfortable; being in sync with your own self (if that makes any sense).
Self-love is reaching out and talking about it with the people who truly care about you, or with experts who can help you become aware of the things you cannot see yet.
My demons never deserted me. I can feel them inside me, waiting for the perfect opportunity to arise. I know they’re within me, and I know that there will come a time when I have to face them once again, and I will be ready to embrace them and learn from them, no matter how intimidating and dark they may be.
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