It’s early afternoon, well into October. My outfit of shorts and a hoody reflects the surreal state in which I find myself lately. The windows are wide open, letting a cool breeze inside every once in a while, as I take yet another drag off my cigarette to somehow deal with the unbearable burden of existing.
As I bring my fingers closer to my mouth, I closely observe my hands. Blood red nails on a cracking skin. The almost manic tendency of washing my hands and using antiseptic gel has taken a toll on my knuckles. My skin does not resemble someone’s in their late twenties. Yet these cracks, so out of place, like tiny rivers in a desert, look beautiful, in their own grotesque way.
The days come and go as if I’m in a never-ending limbo state. A dream that refuses to leave, to cut itself in half. I’m listening to Florence’s soundtrack – a story about a young woman trying to find a meaning in life and struggling to keep her dreams alive. The violin and piano melody brings a weight to my chest, but I embrace the feeling. Keep playing.
This sudden loss of control in everything and the uncertainty of the future bring about countless sessions of overthinking and worrying – being positive all the time is just impossible.
I want to deliver a requiem for my inspiration as I am sitting in front of a screen, trying to put my thoughts into written words – something I was never very good at. How does one describe the hopelessness that keeps growing inside, or coping with a world that has gone mad?
There was a time when I thought that there’s a special kind of pleasure that comes with appreciating the mundane. Ordinary moments turned extraordinary. Now, my stomach tightens every time I read the news; now, I look at the sky with a profound numbness as if it wouldn’t matter if the world ended tomorrow.
The vast darkness sometimes lets some light in. I’m trying to compensate for life’s crazy turn as I create my own bubbles to conceal my anxiety. Heartwarming movies create a bittersweet, albeit temporary escapade into bizarre worlds and books that offer an undefined sense of adventure all while being comfortably wrapped with a blanket on the couch. Random acts of tenderness by my partner come to disrupt the loneliness and quietly confirm the remarkable value of human touch and love.
As the days come and go, I am trying to hold on to a gleam of light that will bring me back up on the surface. And I swim and swim upwards like a mermaid in contaminated water, longing for a breath of fresh air. Sometimes, something pulls me back down but I find the tiniest amount of strength and build on it to keep swimming because staying still is not an option.
The excruciating act of living during a time when the world is on fire doesn’t stop life from happening. Flowers keep growing, and the sun still rises every day. The sky remains indifferent about what’s going on beneath it while turning itself into a whimsical canvas. Lovers are having orgasms, people take in the smell of a freshly-baked cake, and children curiously ask their parents countless questions. Oh, how I long to have my childhood naivety back.
To simply live, not just survive, is one of the bravest things to do. Choosing to go on when everything in front of you seems bleak, takes a lot of courage. So I choose to go on, as I remind myself: it’s okay not to feel okay right now.
I remember the words of Haldir in The Fellowship of the Ring:
“The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.”
In a world where adversity prevails, I hope you find the strength to keep moving, because staying still is simply not an option.
a.
If you are experiencing this whole situation in a similar way, remember that you are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way – there is no need to feel ashamed. Do reach out to someone you trust; a friend or an expert, if you can afford it, or me! If you want to remain anonymous, there are support helplines, so look for the local ones in your area (in Cyprus, the Youth Board of Cyprus has a helpline at 1410 and also some counseling services that are provided free-of-charge).